Tuesday, 12 January 2010

A Thought......

I think too much. I always have. It's both a blessing and a curse.

If I know something is going to happen in advance I have already thought of every possible scenario on how that situation will turn out.

Being a generally positive person, I usually think of all the good ways a scenario could pan out, and all the ways I could make it good. This can lead to good times.

Often it doesn't work that way and I can be disappointed by an event that I really had no way of controlling anyway.

If I am in a dark mood I will often think of every way that a situation can possibly go wrong and avoid the situation entirely. Then I'd sit there after the event thinking it probably wouldn't have been too bad after all and I should have gone but it's too late.

I'm not sure if I explained that right. I'm even over thinking explaining my over thinking.

I live a fairly chaotic life and this may be some way of controlling it, even though it doesn't make a blind bit of difference.

What will be, will be. I just wish to switch off at times. To stop the thoughts and just be me. And so I drink and smoke and turn off that part of my brain that worries. The problem is that I'm too good at drinking and the thinking part of me will often stay awake while I can barely walk, and it thinks bad thoughts when I'm wasted.

This sounds like a miserable story but believe me, it's not. I often amuse myself with my thoughts, inventing tales in my head about things I've seen and done or just thought. I'm content in my own company, mostly, and generally happy in my skin.

And then there are friends. I am lucky enough to have many friends. Great friends. And when in the company of a select of these friends, my mind chatter subsides. I feel at ease.

Given the choice, I would swap this rare breed of friend for drugs or drink any time. But I'd rather have them all :)